7 Parental Mistakes Disciplining Children
“Two weeks ago Nino (3 years old) cried and screamed loudly when I took him to a mini market near his house. I have tried to calm her crying in various ways but to no avail. Arriving home, I saw Nino immediately climbed onto the sofa, and fell asleep. After thinking about it, I realized that I didn't recognize the signs that Nino actually showed before he was invited to the convenience store, such as rubbing my eyes and being cranky. In other words, they were all signs that he was sleepy. Turns out that's why he had a tantrum,” said Mama Salwa about her son, Nino, who often had tantrums in public places.
You're not the only parent who often misguesses your little one's signals, says family counselor, Michele Borba, Ed.D., who is also author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. "There are several patterns or signals that can show your little one's behavior. For example, when children are tired, sleepy, hungry or upset, they will display similar signals. So it's just us parents who have to be sensitive to the signals of the little ones, and know how to deal with them.
Solution: Parents need to act like a teacher. Toddlers are not yet able to control their emotions or understand the people around them, especially in public places, such as supermarkets, restaurants or places of worship. The problem is that parents think that their children already understand this,” said Dr. Sonna.
Children are born to imitate the people around them. So, be a role model for him or invite your little one to see the good behavior of other people or their peers so that they do the same. This takes time and is practiced over and over again so that your little one can get used to controlling their emotions,” said Dr. Sonna. Which means, you need to constantly remind your little one, and tell him if he's not used to it. Over time he will learn how to behave according to situations and conditions.
Solution: Apologize and change your behavior. There is a boomerang effect on parental behavior. If we scream at certain events, your little one can do the same, says Devra Renner, author of Mommy Guilt. Yes, it's really hard to behave perfectly all the time, so apologize if you accidentally misbehave in front of your child.
It also creates an opportunity to talk about why you reacted the way you did and provides a good way of responding when you're upset. That's what Dina did, when her son Owen was 5 years old, cried and didn't want to wear the school uniform. Dina unconsciously shouted, "Shut up, and get dressed now!" However, realizing that this method will make her little one imitate or act the same in the same situation, Dina immediately kneels and apologizes, then invites her to talk about the importance of not being late for school. It worked: Owen got ready for school quietly afterward.
Solution: Parents need to be selective in responding to their child's behavior. Often times, parents feel compelled to get involved every time their child does something. You don't have to be a fierce parent, Ma. You need to remember, sometimes children do annoying things not only because they are seeking your attention, but they can also develop new abilities. So your toddler can pour orange juice into his cereal bowl because he's learning about fluids.
When it comes to reacting to your little one's behavior, Dr. Borba, if the activity is not dangerous, try to observe his behavior. When you see a child pressing the TV remote so that the TV channel changes, try not to scream right away. Watch what happens while continuing what you are doing. Usually if you are silent, your little one will stop over time, and you will be calmer because you don't have to get angry.
Solution: Create a rule and put it into practice. According to Robert Mac Kenzie, Ph.D., author of Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child, to teach children to follow rules, make clear expectations, and provide consequences if they are violated. If you want your little one to get up from the couch and do their homework, try starting by saying a sentence containing good direction. For example, “Please turn off the TV now, son, and finish your homework”. If he does what you ask, thank him. If not, give him a consequence: “Mama turn off the TV now. Can't watch TV until homework is done."
Solution: The point of a 'time out' is to give your child time to cool off, temper his emotions, and think about whether his behavior was right or wrong. Some children respond well this way. They will stay in the room until they feel calm. However, for some children, this will only make them feel rejected, which makes them even angrier. Plus, it doesn't teach your little one how he should behave the way you want him to.
As an alternative, Dr. Sonna suggests doing the 'time in' method, where you sit quietly with your little one. If he is very angry, give him a hug to calm him down. When he has calmed down, explain slowly to him that this was not a good thing.
What if you are too angry to calm your little one? Give yourself a 'time out'. When it's calm, talk to your little one and explain to him that what he did to his sister was not good. You can start a conversation by saying, "When your little sister snatches your toy, what can you do other than hit her?"
Solution: It's easy to blame your child when your disciplined techniques fail. However, you need to realize that every child is different. If one discipline method works for your oldest child, it may not work for your younger sibling, says Avivia Pflock, author of Mommy Guilt. If the eldest can be taught discipline only through your words, but the youngest needs to be given consequences before they can be disciplined, it doesn't mean you are inconsistent, you know. It all depends on your child's needs and response.
You're not the only parent who often misguesses your little one's signals, says family counselor, Michele Borba, Ed.D., who is also author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. "There are several patterns or signals that can show your little one's behavior. For example, when children are tired, sleepy, hungry or upset, they will display similar signals. So it's just us parents who have to be sensitive to the signals of the little ones, and know how to deal with them.
Advice for Mama Salwa, according to Dr. Borba, try to identify the child's mood. In the above incident, what you should do is let your little one rest or take a nap. When it's fresh and not sleepy, then you can take your little one shopping. Ignoring signals to children is one of the many mistakes parents make when teaching their children discipline. However, correcting these mistakes can make a huge difference to your parenting experience.
What are the faults? Dr. Borba reveals seven common mistakes:
What are the faults? Dr. Borba reveals seven common mistakes:
Mistake 1: Parents say negative
"Don't hit your sister!" “Stop jumping on the bed!” It's been forbidden, how come children are getting more 'enthusiastic' to do things that shouldn't be done?Solution: No parent wants to raise a child who doesn't understand boundaries. However, a parent saying 'No' to a child too often can make him immune to it, and the word 'No' no longer has any effect on the child, Dr. Borba explains, “We often stop children from doing things without telling them what to do,” says Linda Sonna, Ph.D., author of The Everything Toddler Book. So save the 'No' in emergency or dangerous situations (such as your little one sticking a fork into the socket or when he wants to eat a spider he finds on the floor), and focus on telling your child how they should behave. .
For example, instead of saying, "Don't stand up while bathing in the tub!" Try saying, "Come on, let's sit while bathing in the tub, so we don't slip." The next time, when you see your little one playing in the tub in a sitting position, give him a compliment. For example, "Yes, that's how it is, it's delicious, right, taking a bath while sitting down". This method encourages children to behave well.
For example, instead of saying, "Don't stand up while bathing in the tub!" Try saying, "Come on, let's sit while bathing in the tub, so we don't slip." The next time, when you see your little one playing in the tub in a sitting position, give him a compliment. For example, "Yes, that's how it is, it's delicious, right, taking a bath while sitting down". This method encourages children to behave well.
Mistake 2: Expect too much from children
You are worshiping in a mosque or church. Suddenly the little one screamed. When you ask him to be quiet, the child screams again. What a shame! Why won't the little one listen to me?Solution: Parents need to act like a teacher. Toddlers are not yet able to control their emotions or understand the people around them, especially in public places, such as supermarkets, restaurants or places of worship. The problem is that parents think that their children already understand this,” said Dr. Sonna.
When your little one is acting strange or out of character, you need to realize that he's not trying to upset you, he just doesn't know how to behave in the situation. So yelling at him isn't an effective (or fair) course of action to deal with this problem. Focus on showing your little one the way you want him to behave. Whisper to her, “Mama speak slowly because we are currently at a place of worship. When Mama needs something from Papa, Mama will also whisper to Papa. Also show him the other kids who look calm at the place of worship. "Look at your friend, he is praying beside his mother."
Children are born to imitate the people around them. So, be a role model for him or invite your little one to see the good behavior of other people or their peers so that they do the same. This takes time and is practiced over and over again so that your little one can get used to controlling their emotions,” said Dr. Sonna. Which means, you need to constantly remind your little one, and tell him if he's not used to it. Over time he will learn how to behave according to situations and conditions.
Mistake 3: Parents behave negatively
When you drop something, you scream. When someone else overtakes the queue, you curse them. But you immediately get angry when your little one reacts the same way when he experiences something that doesn't go his way.Solution: Apologize and change your behavior. There is a boomerang effect on parental behavior. If we scream at certain events, your little one can do the same, says Devra Renner, author of Mommy Guilt. Yes, it's really hard to behave perfectly all the time, so apologize if you accidentally misbehave in front of your child.
It also creates an opportunity to talk about why you reacted the way you did and provides a good way of responding when you're upset. That's what Dina did, when her son Owen was 5 years old, cried and didn't want to wear the school uniform. Dina unconsciously shouted, "Shut up, and get dressed now!" However, realizing that this method will make her little one imitate or act the same in the same situation, Dina immediately kneels and apologizes, then invites her to talk about the importance of not being late for school. It worked: Owen got ready for school quietly afterward.
Mistake 4: Get angry when your little one acts
When you hear your child running around the house or re-packing his toy drawer, you immediately scream and scold him.Solution: Parents need to be selective in responding to their child's behavior. Often times, parents feel compelled to get involved every time their child does something. You don't have to be a fierce parent, Ma. You need to remember, sometimes children do annoying things not only because they are seeking your attention, but they can also develop new abilities. So your toddler can pour orange juice into his cereal bowl because he's learning about fluids.
When it comes to reacting to your little one's behavior, Dr. Borba, if the activity is not dangerous, try to observe his behavior. When you see a child pressing the TV remote so that the TV channel changes, try not to scream right away. Watch what happens while continuing what you are doing. Usually if you are silent, your little one will stop over time, and you will be calmer because you don't have to get angry.
Mistake 5: Just talk without firm action
“Turn off the TV… Seriously mom… Really, yeah!” Your little one can continue to misbehave when you're not assertive and don't give him consequences.Solution: Create a rule and put it into practice. According to Robert Mac Kenzie, Ph.D., author of Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child, to teach children to follow rules, make clear expectations, and provide consequences if they are violated. If you want your little one to get up from the couch and do their homework, try starting by saying a sentence containing good direction. For example, “Please turn off the TV now, son, and finish your homework”. If he does what you ask, thank him. If not, give him a consequence: “Mama turn off the TV now. Can't watch TV until homework is done."
Mistake 6: Give the wrong punishment
When you send your 4 year old to his room after he hits his sister. What happened, the little one even cried hysterically in his room.Solution: The point of a 'time out' is to give your child time to cool off, temper his emotions, and think about whether his behavior was right or wrong. Some children respond well this way. They will stay in the room until they feel calm. However, for some children, this will only make them feel rejected, which makes them even angrier. Plus, it doesn't teach your little one how he should behave the way you want him to.
As an alternative, Dr. Sonna suggests doing the 'time in' method, where you sit quietly with your little one. If he is very angry, give him a hug to calm him down. When he has calmed down, explain slowly to him that this was not a good thing.
What if you are too angry to calm your little one? Give yourself a 'time out'. When it's calm, talk to your little one and explain to him that what he did to his sister was not good. You can start a conversation by saying, "When your little sister snatches your toy, what can you do other than hit her?"
Mistake 7: Assuming the discipline method is the same for all children
The best way to deal with your son's tantrum is to face him at eye level and explain that his behavior needs to change. However, when you practice the same with your daughter, she becomes even more tantrums.Solution: It's easy to blame your child when your disciplined techniques fail. However, you need to realize that every child is different. If one discipline method works for your oldest child, it may not work for your younger sibling, says Avivia Pflock, author of Mommy Guilt. If the eldest can be taught discipline only through your words, but the youngest needs to be given consequences before they can be disciplined, it doesn't mean you are inconsistent, you know. It all depends on your child's needs and response.